#SongoftheDay Bride (San Fermin)

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 Yesterday my partner again brought up the topic of buying a house. He doesn't have the money to buy a house and I don't have the money to buy a house, but even just the thought of giving up my independence in any way makes me so scared I can't cope.

When things go too well in a relationship, I want to run away. I'm not going to run away, but the feelings are there. The fear is there.

I opened YouTube to grab this song, and one of the first videos suggested for me was about people (like me) with childhood PTSD fleeing relationships, or starting arguments to drive a good person away. It really sucks how shit that happens in your childhood keeps a hold on you, even when you do your best to work through it. Early trauma shapes how your life turns out in such a drastic way.

Oftentimes I've mentioned that I don't even know if I have my own personality. Am I anything more than just my trauma? My reactions are so predictable. Or... unpredictable. I'm unreasonable. I lash out. I wouldn't want to be married to me.

I'm trying so hard to get a grip on myself, but I still do things I'm not proud of. At the best of times, that means crying like a child when I'm trying to have an adult conversation. 

If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and visits every day, the easiest thing you can do is tell your friends about the site. Tell anyone you know--particularly people who are isolated and enjoy music.

Readers of adult fiction can also buy my books or check them out from your local library. Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely!

I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.

But you don't HAVE to do any of that. I'm very happy to get a daily visit from you, so just keep coming back.

Oh, and I also recommend hitting the "Subscribe" button at the top of the page so you won't miss a song!

See you tomorrow!
Giselle

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