A Friendly Musical Visit Every Day

I've been watching Dutch decluttering videos on YouTube lately. As a result, I've been doing a lot of decluttering. I came across this album when I was going through my CDs. No, I didn't get rid of it. It's not going anywhere. In fact, rather than shoving it back in a box, I created space on my bookshelf for a stack of CDs and that's where The Sticks currently sits. (My boombox takes up one shelf of my bookcase. Yes, I still have a boombox. It is 30 years old, but it still works.) You know, getting my bricks out in the sticks felt like such a good idea until we did it. When we found out what it was actually like to live in a small town, we realized we'd made a big mistake. Which is part of the reason my partner's trying to sell his house right now. The town has certain charms, and in a lot of ways it is like living in a Hallmark movie, but if you aren't a fan of racists and homophobes, it's not the best place to be. Moving is a big deal, but when...

I had this really odd experience, the other day, of opening a drawer in our bathroom and feeling like I'd walked into the wrong house.  The drawer was full of drugs--pharmaceuticals.  Prescriptions.  My prescriptions.  But when I first saw that this drawer was full of drugs I thought the drawer must belong to someone else. How could I have so many drugs? Like... so, so many drugs? Last month I was talking to a girl who has the same chronic illness I do. She was saying one of the things she hates the most about it is having to be her own doctor, always on the job, always deciding how she needed to medicate herself at every hour of the day. I knew exactly what she meant. Of course, I have a doctor who has prescribed me pills, but she's not constantly at my side. She's not constantly asking me what my symptoms are, currently, and gauging what to do about it. I'm the one who is with me constantly. I'm the one making those decisions: this symptom means take this drug, ...

When I was in Grade 3 (that's how we say "Third Grade" in Canada), I joined the stamp club. I bet that sounds pretty nerdy, but either it was super-cool or else all my friends were nerds too, because we all joined the stamp club. It was held after school in a small, dark room, which sounds creepy, but it wasn't.  I can't remember the teacher's name who ran the stamp club, but every week he'd hold a draw for us members, and the winner got a set of stamps he was giving away. One week, I won Disney stamps. I forget which country they were from. I think I might have given them to Sweet, because she was a Disney fanatic, but I hope I didn't give them away.  As I so often mention, I'm getting nostalgic, and part of that nostalgia is wanting things from my childhood. Like those Disney stamps. My paternal grandmother gave me stamps when I was in the stamp club. She'd placed them in two sheets from a large photo album. I have no idea where she got them ...

When we were at my apartment last week and I was so, so ill and my partner wasn't home, there was a day when I wanted very badly to go out and get some fresh air. Problem: it was raining hard and I had very little strength or balance, so I knew I would need to use my walker if I wanted to leave the house.  I can't hold onto/push my walker and also hold an umbrella. I would either have to get very wet or just not go outside. So I just didn't go outside. Later on, I was looking out my window and I saw an old man walking with a walker. Just behind him was a younger person holding a big umbrella over his head so he wouldn't get wet.  Honestly, when I saw that scene outside, I felt overwhelmingly sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel like I've fallen through all the cracks. I'm glad that man got to go out in the rain, but I'm sad for myself because I wanted to and I couldn't. Other people get the help they need. I don't.  I feel lucky to have my partner arou...

It's the end of another year. Let's go out dancing, shall we? Been a tough one--possibly the hardest year of my adult life. It's difficult to compare this year's hardships to the ones I experienced, say, twenty years ago, because this year is so much fresher in my mind. That said, living with chronic illness is rough. Being a cancer caregiver while living with chronic illness is even rougher. I've never been one to look on the bright side of anything, but it occurs to me often that my partner and I now have a much closer bond than we did prior to his cancer diagnosis and treatment. His course of radiation was extremely intensive, with appointments every weekday for a month and a half. There were many times when I felt sure the treatment itself would kill him. He slept nearly every hour of the day. He became so dehydrated he needed daily IV fluids. He slept while they were being administered. The doctors, nurses, and other staff members at his cancer care centre...

The last time I drank coffee, I spent the whole day throwing up.  It happened to be the same day I started taking a prescription medication that is known to cause nausea, so I put it down to that.  I almost never drink coffee anymore, because it makes my heart do weird things, but I had a few sips this morning and I've been sick as a dog ever since. I'm still on the same prescription medication, and I also take a number of supplements recommended by my doctor to help control symptoms of my chronic illness.  Nearly every medication and supplement I take is known to cause nausea, stomach cramps, and/of diarrhea. I've mentioned before that every day is a delicate balancing act of eating enough food (and the right kind of food) so I can take my meds and not spend the rest of the day feeling like I'm going to puke. I guess we've learned that coffee has no place in my life anymore.  Oh well.  I used to be physiologically addicted to coffee. I went off it cold turkey...

This is our 1000th post! If you've been following my friendly little music blog since the beginning, you'll know we were on hiatus for nearly two years but, apart from that time, we (by which I mean I) have posted every single day. Every day! For a thousand days! Minus a few hundred in the middle somewhere, but forget about that and concentrate on this thing I feel proud about. I don't often feel pride in my accomplishments, but I know how much work I put into bringing you songs and stories every day, so I am proud of myself. Today is also the anniversary of my first date with my partner, but that is pure coincidence. Thanks for reminding me, by the way. I always forget anniversaries. Why did I choose today's song to celebrate the occasion? I'm not really sure. I was reading emails a minute ago, and I had one from a local radio station that's giving away alt-J tickets (not just giving them away willy-nilly--they're holding a contest. You understand.) an...

The other day, I mentioned a dream I had that characterized marriage as being locked in a dull, dark room. Well, the next night I dreamed that I showed up at my aunt's cottage (my aunt doesn't have a cottage) with my wedding dress (I don't have a wedding dress). Clearly, marriage is bubbling around in my unconscious mind. I never wanted to get married, when I was young. Now... I'm not sure I have particularly strong feelings either way. If I lean toward wanting marriage in my life, it's more for practical (legal, financial, etc) reasons, at this point. My partner and I were both self-sufficient adults when we joined forces. I don't feel like we ever really "built" a life together. I still have my own home. He has his. His is better. We spent the summer at my place while he underwent daily cancer treatments in the city. I've never taken care of anyone as intensively as I've taken care of him, except when my siblings were young. We've kn...

Sometimes I take walks alone in the evening. I like to walk after dark. Well, lucky for me, it's already dark by 7 p.m. these days, so I can listen to the 70s at 7 on my phone--that's a radio program where they play music from the 70s at 7 o'clock. Just thought I'd clarify. They play this song often, and I'm never mad to hear it. I've always loved this song, which I probably told you the first time it was our song of the day. This cover from BoJack Horseman is both evocative and lovely. I always tell my partner BoJack Horseman was the best show I'd never want him to watch, because he would get way too deep into the itchy existential angst it creates. I don't think I ever watched the final season, but I remember that as it came out season by season, I would always rewatch every episode that had been aired up to that point in preparation of the next chapter in these characters' journeys.  It was depressing as hell, but so was my life. If you'r...

Yesterday I mentioned that my partner named a teddy bear after a hockey player. That hockey player was Auston Matthews. But it reminded me that my uncle once named a dog after Marty McSorley. (I've had to look up how to spell every name in this post. I am NOT well-versed in hockey player names.) Anyway, my partner and I were talking about this dog the other day, and I said to him, "There used to be a song that mentioned Marty McSorley." I thought it might be this one. It's not. I'll bring you the one I was thinking of tomorrow, but for now... there's this. (It's been probably a decade since I last heard this track, and I still love it.) If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.  Supporting my  AudioErotica  endeavour on  Patreon  would also help me hugely. I'm also an  Amazon Influencer, ...

Yesterday I told you a story about hearing a tin flute playing Celtic music in my living room but my partner not being able to hear it in the bedroom (with only a thin wall between the two). When I told him I could hear this Irish flute music, he was teasing me, like, "Uh-huh, flute music, whatever you say..." I could hear the music. He couldn't. We decided we probably had pixies. He said he'd call Orkin in the morning. If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.  Supporting my  AudioErotica  endeavour on  Patreon  would also help me hugely. I'm also an  Amazon Influencer,  so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through  my affiliate links . I also recommend subscribing to my newsletter. I generally e-mail subscribers with a weekly update, and I woul...

One thing I love about both music and books is that a song is always new to someone who's never heard it. A story is always new to someone who hasn't read it. Our art can be new forever, because there's always going to be someone who hasn't listened to this album or read that book. This is on my mind today because I'm listening to Vivek Shraya's album 1:1, which was released ten years ago. It's new to me, because I'm listening to it for the first time. https://vivekshraya.bandcamp.com/album/1-1 If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.  Supporting my  AudioErotica  endeavour on  Patreon  would also help me hugely. I'm also an  Amazon Influencer,  so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through  my affiliate links . I also recommend subscribing to my news...

My partner's fatigue is getting worse by the day. I've written about this before, but it just keeps happening. Somehow, we expect him to feel better, even though his oncology team assured us the side effects of radiation would get worse after treatment. It really is amazing how much we didn't listen, or didn't believe them, even though they've seen thousands of cancer patients. One thing the medical professionals all say is that everybody's experience with cancer and treatment and recovery is different. They can give us an overview, but they can't give us exact dates when my partner will get his tastebuds back, or stop sleeping so much, or when his radiation burns will heal completely, or when his mouth sores will go away, or when his throat will stop hurting. I'm so glad one of the professionals on his oncology team told us not to be surprised if one day feels a little brighter, then the next day he's back in hell. That has definitely been happe...

I guess it's almost midnight as I'm writing this. My intention was to stay up and work after my partner went to bed. Instead, I've been cleaning the kitchen. We pretty much spent the entire summer in the city, since that's where my partner had to go for cancer treatments. When we were able to come home (to his home--to his house), we didn't have the energy to clean. So we didn't. So we spent this week cleaning, as much as our energy levels allowed. It really did take the entire week to clean the house, and that's pretty much all we did. Here's the thing: the spiders have taken over. When we got home, there was a spider living under every stair. There's a spider that lives beside the microwave. That's his home. I don't dare kick him out. There are spiders pretty much everywhere in the bathroom.  This is their house now. I have a friend who said she had a pet spider. It was just a normal spider that came to live in her bathroom, and ...

My partner's oncologist warned us that recovery from radiation therapy wouldn't be straightforward. "You might have a good day, and then the next day might not be so good." I'm glad we got that warning, because that's certainly how it's played out. A couple days ago, my partner got a phone call from a friend. He told the guy, "I think I've turned a corner today." He had more energy. We rode our bikes to the post office! Sure, it's only a six-minute ride, but that's the most exercise either of us had gotten in weeks. The next day, he was tired again. And today he's very tired. He got up early to put out the garbage, but he was back in bed not long after. It's almost eleven in the morning as I write this, and he's still asleep. I go in and check on him every so often. He's sleeping sweetly. He looks like a child, all wrapped up in himself and hugging a teddy bear. The cuteness is an improvement, I have to say. Dur...

I just had this random memory of a time when my partner and I were first going out (well, staying in, more like).  I was actually working a job outside the home at the time. It was only a two-week gig, but I'm used to the freedom of a writer's life.  My partner was always on my mind. I thought about him obsessively, like a teenager. I felt young again.  It was amazing. The job I had was out by the airport.  Since I have a terrible phone plan with no data, I would run over to the hotel across the street and use their wifi to send naughty emails to this man I was so wrapped up in. I always wanted to be in his arms, but the best I could do during those daytime shifts was think about him and email him and crave him like candy. Now I sleep beside him every night. Often I feel lucky to have this incredible person by my side, but sometimes I miss that spark of the beginning stages of a relationship. I wish I knew how to maintain that through cancer, caregiving, and life i...

This little music blog of mine was on hiatus for nearly two years. I brought it back to life just as my partner was about to start cancer treatment. The doctors kept warning us that it would be hard. Every aspect of his treatment and its side effects and recovery would be extremely challenging. And they have been. It seems pretty stupid to start up a lost blog when I've got all this stuff (in addition to my own chronic health issues) to deal with. Why heap the responsibility of daily blog posts onto the stress of cancer caregiving? Because I knew it would help me to write to you every day.  Writing helps me, generally. I've been a professional writer for the past 17 years, and most of that time I've funnelled my own personal experiences into my fiction and non-fiction. But I haven't been doing much of that, recently. I've written books, but they haven't been very personal. The last book I wrote that was intensely intimate to my own lived experience was Delta...

I'm lying on a bed with my head propped up on a couple pillows. My knees are my highest point. My legs make triangles with the mattress. My laptop is on wedged between my belly and my thighs. This is how I work, because I'm constantly dizzy. The dizziness is a result of my migraines, which are never far from shore. They leave me with the dizziness, even when they cast off. I can't sit up for long. The dizziness brings me down to earth. So lying on a bed is my accomodation. It's how I spend my days. Sometimes life feels futile, but often I'm grateful that I'm able to connect with you, even from this low point where I spend so much of my time. If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.  Supporting my  AudioErotica  endeavour on  Patreon  would also help me hugely. I'm also an  Amazon Influencer,  ...

 I went out last night to pick up a prescription. On my way home, I walked by a house with a couple outside on their porch. The woman sounded pretty drunk, and she kept saying the same thing over and over: "If I do and you tell me to be quiet, I'll just go dance somewhere else--I don't care!" I remain fascinated.  This is obviously an ongoing issue for the couple, but what is the ongoing issue?  What does this woman do (on the dance floor?) that inspires her boyfriend to tell her to be quiet? I love overhearing snippets of conversations. I have written entire novels based on snippets of conversations. If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.  Supporting my  AudioErotica  endeavour on  Patreon  would also help me hugely. I'm also an  Amazon Influencer,  so hopefully I can make a litt...

There's an annual fair in Toronto called the CNE, also known as the Ex, also known as the Canadian National Exhibition. Before the pandemic, I went to that fair every year for 40 years straight. The pandemic broke my record, because the CNE didn't run for... two years? And then last year I didn't go because I was out of town. This year, I really really really wanted to return. I worried I wouldn't get the opportunity because cancer care has completely taken over my ife. But my partner could see how important the CNE was to me, so he encouraged me to go with my family and have FUN. It turned out opening day of the CNE was the one day my whole family could make it, and it also turned out my favourite cover band, Dwayne Gretzky, was the opening act at the bandshell. My partner and I saw them in concert last year, and even he was singing along (he is not a singer).  Dwayne Gretzky puts on such a fun concert. If you ever get the opportunity to see them, treat yourself. You...