#SongoftheDay Why Does It Always Rain On Me? (Travis)
When we were at my apartment last week and I was so, so ill and my partner wasn't home, there was a day when I wanted very badly to go out and get some fresh air. Problem: it was raining hard and I had very little strength or balance, so I knew I would need to use my walker if I wanted to leave the house.
I can't hold onto/push my walker and also hold an umbrella. I would either have to get very wet or just not go outside.
So I just didn't go outside.
Later on, I was looking out my window and I saw an old man walking with a walker. Just behind him was a younger person holding a big umbrella over his head so he wouldn't get wet.
Honestly, when I saw that scene outside, I felt overwhelmingly sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel like I've fallen through all the cracks. I'm glad that man got to go out in the rain, but I'm sad for myself because I wanted to and I couldn't. Other people get the help they need. I don't.
I feel lucky to have my partner around. He helps me a lot when I'm sick, but I'm sick pretty much every day of my life and I don't want to ask too much of him. I'm afraid he'll up sticks if I get too needy. That is not a reflection on him, by the way--it is solely a reflection of my own trauma-based fears.
But fears can easily cause a person to not ask for things they need, so maybe that's where I'm at. Maybe I haven't fallen through the cracks. Maybe I'm simply stuck.
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Giselle