#SongoftheDay You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby (Edna Mae Harris)
My chronic illness was sparked by the onset of menopause (thank you very much, hormonal changes) and yet my mother is constantly saying to me: "I don't understand why you're so sick all the time. You were such a healthy baby."
Yeah, you'd think that would have carried me all the way through life. Weird.
I was listening to a Paralympian talking about proving to the world how much we (people with disabilities) can do. Because I became disabled in adulthood (well, midlife), I find it's the opposite with me: I feel like I have to somehow prove that I can no longer do things I could very easily do earlier in life. And I hate that feeling. And, realistically, it's not "the world" I need to prove this to. It's certainly not my doctors--they have been wonderfully supportive. Strangers at the grocery store and random people on the street are lovely and helpful, for the most part.
The only people who challenge me are my closest family members. Mainly my mother. They don't come out and say I'm faking my disability, but my mother certainly implies it in a way that's so passive you can't pin it down and call her out.
Yeah, you'd think that would have carried me all the way through life. Weird.
I was listening to a Paralympian talking about proving to the world how much we (people with disabilities) can do. Because I became disabled in adulthood (well, midlife), I find it's the opposite with me: I feel like I have to somehow prove that I can no longer do things I could very easily do earlier in life. And I hate that feeling. And, realistically, it's not "the world" I need to prove this to. It's certainly not my doctors--they have been wonderfully supportive. Strangers at the grocery store and random people on the street are lovely and helpful, for the most part.
The only people who challenge me are my closest family members. Mainly my mother. They don't come out and say I'm faking my disability, but my mother certainly implies it in a way that's so passive you can't pin it down and call her out.
And because she's my mother, these awful ideas get planted in my head and I'll find myself thinking that oh I can't possibly need mobility aids--I'm just starved for positive attention. I'm not so fatigued I can't lift my head off the pillow--I'm just lazy. I'm faking sick to take advantage of... of what? I'm not "on disability." I don't get any perks for being ill most of my life--unless you count poverty and depression as perks. Using a walker makes the world a more difficult course to navigate--it doesn't make my life easier, it just helps me to not fall over.
But my mom's subtle accusations plant themselves in my brain and come out as insidious self-talk that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to think these awful things. And I don't know if it's better or worse to realize that the calls aren't coming from inside the house--they're coming from my mother.
Oh, and sorry about the skips on this track. This is the only copy I could find on YouTube of this singer performing this song (in 1939!). It's not the version I grew up with, but I always found men singing this song pretty creepy.
If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.
But my mom's subtle accusations plant themselves in my brain and come out as insidious self-talk that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't want to think these awful things. And I don't know if it's better or worse to realize that the calls aren't coming from inside the house--they're coming from my mother.
Oh, and sorry about the skips on this track. This is the only copy I could find on YouTube of this singer performing this song (in 1939!). It's not the version I grew up with, but I always found men singing this song pretty creepy.
If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library.
Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely.
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See you soon!
Giselle
