#SongoftheDay Sick of Spiraling (Bachelor)

The other day my partner had a phone call scheduled that I figured he would need privacy for. Usually I go for a walk when he has a call like this. This time he was like, "You don't have to go out, you know.  You can stay home if you'd rather."

I had work to do and, anyway, I had nowhere to go, so I stayed home.  I brought my computer into the bedroom and closed the door.

After working for a while, I got sleepy and watched Unsolved Mysteries on Youtube.  It was lunchtime and I was hungry, but I didn't want to leave the bedroom in case I disturbed my partner. A little while later, I realized I was cold and I should turn off the fan and put on socks, but I wouldn't allow myself to do that in case the bed squeaked. I noticed that my body was feeling very tense.  Extremely tense.  I felt afraid, but I didn't know why.

Later on, once I'd warmed up and eaten something, I realized I'd been having flashbacks to the many times I spent hiding in closets, as a child.  Hiding from my father, who could be violent and mean.  I specifically recall hiding with my mother in her closet for an entire afternoon.  The other events I don't remember so specifically, but my body sure does. Being cold and hungry and afraid to move a muscle took me right back to childhood.

My body seemed convinced it was in hiding mode. All those thoughts I had were ridiculous. My partner wouldn't care if the bed squeaked. He wouldn't care if I made myself a sandwich.  He wouldn't even have noticed. He's not violent or mean. He's a really good guy.

As I washed the dishes that night, I thought about the 8 of Swords, for all you tarot people.  I thought about feeling trapped, but not being trapped in the actual physical world.  I'm trapped inside my own mind, inside the trauma my nervous system was subjected to when I was growing up.  It lives inside me.  I think I'm in danger when I'm not.

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See you tomorrow!
Giselle

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