#SongoftheDay I Don't Want To Grow Up (Ramones)
This post is the first piece of work I've done in days. I don't even remember the last time I opened my computer. I schedule these posts in advance, and luckily I did a big batch last week--lucky, because I've been too exhausted from hospital visits to even think about work.
I'm coming apart at the seams. Caregiving is exhausting, especially when it's not in your nature. And this is caregiving someone in hospital, where she is already being cared for expertly by nursing staff.
I know I shouldn't complain. I should feel grateful that I'm not the one in that hospital bed. I should feel grateful that my mother is receiving treatment for her cancer, unlike her neighbour who is deemed too old to treat. There are so many things I should feel grateful for... and I do... but I'm also tired right down to my bones.
The other day, my partner went to my apartment to spend time with the cats. The plan was that I'd meet him there after spending time (6 hours) at the hospital with my mother. Problem was, I had no food in the fridge.
Our basic arrangement is that my partner buys food at his place, I buy food at mine, he cooks there, I cook here. What I should have done, to lessen my stress, is ask him to pick up something for dinner. But I felt like I wouldn't be pulling my weight in the relationship if I asked him to take over my shopping/cooking duties in addition to his own.
So, after leaving the hospital, I went to the supermarket, shopped for dinner, brought my groceries home on the hour-and-a-half bus ride, got home, cooked dinner, felt like a mom, felt utterly burnt out, and missed the days when I lived alone and didn't have all these people to care about.
Except I was life-threateningly depressed back then.
Since hindsight is 20/20, I now see that I should have asked my partner to do the shopping instead of assuring him I would do it on my way home. I should have asked him to make dinner--and, in fact, he did almost all of the cooking anyway. But he'd have done it all in a heartbeat, if I'd asked. And then I wouldn't have ended my day feeling like there's just too much on plate, feeling that I need to parent everyone in my life.
I read an article about "parentified" children--kids who have to parent siblings or even their own parents--and I could relate. Starting from an early age, I had to take care of 4 kids (and at least one parent) because I grew up in a household mired in substance abuse and neglect.
Grown-ups always commented on how mature I was, for my age. They said that like it was a good thing. It wasn't a good thing. I never got a chance to be a kid, and now that's all I want to be.
If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and visits every day, the easiest thing you can do is tell your friends about the site. Tell anyone you know--particularly people who are isolated and enjoy music.
Readers of adult fiction can also buy my books or check them out from your local library. Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely!
I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.
But you don't HAVE to do any of that. I'm very happy to get a daily visit from you, so just keep coming back.
Oh, and I also recommend hitting the "Subscribe" button at the top of the page so you won't miss a song!
See you tomorrow!
Giselle
I'm coming apart at the seams. Caregiving is exhausting, especially when it's not in your nature. And this is caregiving someone in hospital, where she is already being cared for expertly by nursing staff.
I know I shouldn't complain. I should feel grateful that I'm not the one in that hospital bed. I should feel grateful that my mother is receiving treatment for her cancer, unlike her neighbour who is deemed too old to treat. There are so many things I should feel grateful for... and I do... but I'm also tired right down to my bones.
The other day, my partner went to my apartment to spend time with the cats. The plan was that I'd meet him there after spending time (6 hours) at the hospital with my mother. Problem was, I had no food in the fridge.
Our basic arrangement is that my partner buys food at his place, I buy food at mine, he cooks there, I cook here. What I should have done, to lessen my stress, is ask him to pick up something for dinner. But I felt like I wouldn't be pulling my weight in the relationship if I asked him to take over my shopping/cooking duties in addition to his own.
So, after leaving the hospital, I went to the supermarket, shopped for dinner, brought my groceries home on the hour-and-a-half bus ride, got home, cooked dinner, felt like a mom, felt utterly burnt out, and missed the days when I lived alone and didn't have all these people to care about.
Except I was life-threateningly depressed back then.
Since hindsight is 20/20, I now see that I should have asked my partner to do the shopping instead of assuring him I would do it on my way home. I should have asked him to make dinner--and, in fact, he did almost all of the cooking anyway. But he'd have done it all in a heartbeat, if I'd asked. And then I wouldn't have ended my day feeling like there's just too much on plate, feeling that I need to parent everyone in my life.
I read an article about "parentified" children--kids who have to parent siblings or even their own parents--and I could relate. Starting from an early age, I had to take care of 4 kids (and at least one parent) because I grew up in a household mired in substance abuse and neglect.
Grown-ups always commented on how mature I was, for my age. They said that like it was a good thing. It wasn't a good thing. I never got a chance to be a kid, and now that's all I want to be.
If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and visits every day, the easiest thing you can do is tell your friends about the site. Tell anyone you know--particularly people who are isolated and enjoy music.
Readers of adult fiction can also buy my books or check them out from your local library. Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely!
I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.
But you don't HAVE to do any of that. I'm very happy to get a daily visit from you, so just keep coming back.
Oh, and I also recommend hitting the "Subscribe" button at the top of the page so you won't miss a song!
See you tomorrow!
Giselle
