#SongoftheDay I'm Not Like Everybody Else (Jimmy and the Boys)

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I am in so much pain I don't know how I'm even alive. My head hurts. My neck hurts. I would rather not be conscious, but here we are. We are in pain.

You know how medical professionals ask you what your pain level is at and you're supposed to answer on a scale from zero to ten? When my partner took me to the emergency room last month, the hospital had a poster that sort of explained what those pain levels meant. 

For ten, it said "Life is Pain."

And, like, yeah. That's my life. Life is pain.

I am never not in pain. It's not always a ten (in fact, it's rarely a ten--often it's hovering between six and eight), but pain is always present in a way that does not allow me to lead an anywhere close to normal life. Right now, I'm lying on a bed. 

I'm almost always lying down. And I'm in severe pain.

Chronic pain didn't enter my life until I was in my late 30s. Before that, I'd spent my entire adult life living with chronic mental health problems. At 38, I felt like I traded psychological pain for physical pain. Don't get me wrong--I was still experiencing PTSD symptoms, depression, anxiety... but the physical pain was so new to me that I guess my mental health took a back seat.

Lately, I've been suffering bad, and that suffering has been physical, and that suffering has been psychological. My mental health is garbage. I have trouble sleeping because I just keep thinking about how much I hate myself. 

My body hurts. My mind hurts. Everything hurts.

I watched a YouTube video about toxic shame the other day, and WOW did it ever resonate with me. For me, it's connected to Complex PTSD, but the YouTuber was talking about how people who live with toxic shame think of themselves as just absolute garbage human beings who don't deserve to live. I'm paraphrasing (and badly, because pain makes it hard to think and hard to type), but we think we're different from the other people--from the good people, the normal people.

Have you been reading my blog posts for the past seventeen years? How many times have I called myself a garbage human being? How many times have I referred to myself as an asshole? It's hard to assimilate a worldview where I'm just like everybody else. 

I have always felt different. But the shame really does eat you up inside. And, at the root of it, it's family shame. It's shame that's been around since before I was born. I'm just carrying it on through the world.


If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library. 

Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely.

I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.

I also recommend subscribing to my newsletter. I generally e-mail subscribers with a weekly update, and I would LOVE to have you on the list. 

Click here to sign up: http://eepurl.com/R4b11


See you soon!
Giselle


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