#SongoftheDay Ordinary World (Duran Duran)

I needed to give myself a bit of time before telling this story, because what I'm going to tell you about was very upsetting. Made me cry a lot. And I knew that as soon as I told you about it, I would start crying all over again.

So I've taken a few days. 

Here we go.

Last week I had a medical appointment. I needed to get to my doctor's office for an injection. That day, my health was awful. I was weak and dizzy and all sorts of bad. Normally I would have used my walker, but the subway station near my doctor's office is not accessible. I mean, it is on paper, but in practice the elevators have been out of commission for over a year. The elevators are actually boarded up. So I know that if I take my walker to that station, I need to carry it up three flights of stairs. Which I have done. More than once.

But that day I decided to just use a cane instead. I needed the walker, but I did not have the strength to carry it up three flights of stairs.

Turned out the bus on my street wasn't running. I don't know why. There were no signs to indicate what was going on, but buses seemed to be detouring in the distance. 

So I walked to the subway. My body wasn't up for that, but... that's what had to happen, I guess.

I got on the subway and went one stop before they announced that there was a fire investigation going on and everyone would have to get off the subway, go up to street level, and board shuttle buses to continue.

By this point, I was already weak and exhausted. But what can you do?

I got myself up to street level. There were hundreds of people waiting. This is all just normal city stuff, but I'm learning that when you are chronically ill (as I am), normal stuff often feels impossible. If I'd been going anywhere but a doctor's appointment, I'd have headed home. But I needed my scheduled injection. 

As I was standing on the sidewalk feeling stupid, they started calling out that the subways were running again. We could head back down to track level.

There was kind of a stampede. Not even a major one. But I got pushed around so much. Oh my god. This is where I start to feel like I'm going to cry all over again. It never feels good to get pushed around, but being a visibly disabled person and getting shoved more times than I could count... something inside me broke.

I boarded a subway that was already packed. All the seats around me were taken by men in their 20s and 30s, I'd say. They all ignored me. I needed a seat. I'm using a mobility aid. Somebody should have offered me a seat, but no one did.

I kept thinking, "I'm going to have to speak up. I'm going to have to say: If anybody has a seat who doesn't need one, I need one." But I knew that if I spoke I would cry, and I didn't want to cry in front of strangers.

So I didn't say anything. 

The part of me that broke when I got pushed around in the station broke even more.

I held a subway pole and I clung to my cane and I tried my best to stay upright. My body was giving up. After two or three stops, I started shaking. My whole body was trembling badly. 

Finally, one of the young guys with a seat asked me, "Do you need to sit down?"

Um. What was your first clue?

I nodded. I couldn't say anything because I was going to cry. 

When I sat, my body collapsed. I was so, so weak. 

I held it together until I got to my doctor's office. I checked in with reception and apologized for being late. It wasn't a big deal to them, but it was a big deal to me because I think it's rude to be late.

The moment my doctor closed her office door, I burst into tears.

I've told you this story in the most unemotive way possible because if I tap back into the emotion of that experience I'm going to fall apart. 

I wish this didn't need to be said, but clearly it does: 

Don't push disabled people. 

If you have a seat and you see someone who looks like maybe they need it more than you do, offer it up.

If you don't have a seat and you're capable of advocating for other people, ask that person: "Do you want me to help you find a seat?" If they say yes, ask around on their behalf. I wish someone had done that for me. 

I needed help, and nobody helped. 

And that makes me so sad.

If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and anecdotes, the easiest thing you can do is buy my books (most are for adults only!) or check them out from your local library. 

Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely.

I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.

I also recommend subscribing to my newsletter. I generally e-mail subscribers with a weekly update, and I would LOVE to have you on the list. 

Click here to sign up: http://eepurl.com/R4b11

See you soon!
Giselle