#SongoftheDay Mood (24kGoldn ft. Iann Dior)

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This song hit me at the perfect moment, the other day. That happens, sometimes.

My partner and I were both in the living room.  He was on chat with a rep trying to resolve a problem he was having with a piece of tech.  Now, my partner is a gentle man, especially where I'm concerned, but when he has tech problems, he gets pissed.  I used to help him troubleshoot, but I won't anymore.  It's not that he gets mad at me.  He just gets angry at his computer or printer or whatever's causing the problem, and I can't handle it.

It's only within the past year that I've realized (thanks to lots of therapy) that I've got some significant childhood PTSD shit going on.  One thing I've learned about this type of PTSD is that you'll often have emotional flashbacks.  So, it's not like remembering a specific event when you were unsafe due to a violent parent, for example--it's more like being triggered by something in your environment, and something inside you telling you you're not safe, but you don't know why you feel that way.  It happens so fast that it can be hard to process.

I know I'm perfectly safe with my partner.  He's a sweetheart.  But the other day, when he was mad at his tech, I started feeling unsafe. Luckily, my mind intervened to tell me I was feeling unsafe because, in my family of origin, anger most often resulted in violence.  That isn't the case in the household I've established as an adult.  Just because my partner is mad at his tech doesn't mean he's going to take it out on me. He won't.  I know that.

All the same, I decided to leave the room in order to remove myself from an emotion I found triggering. It was difficult to explain to my partner, later on, that he's allowed to feel and express his anger (especially when it has absolutely nothing to do with me!), but I need him to understand I'm going to feel fear due to past trauma. We're both allowed to have our emotions. It's hard for him to recognize that I feel fear sometimes because of that way he's reacting to something, because he feels excessively guilty any time he hurts the people he loves, even in the tiniest way.

Anyway, I went into the bedroom and turned on the radio.  This was the first song that came on, and I was feeling it.

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See you tomorrow!
Giselle

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