#SongoftheDay Bad Company (Bad Company)
I've been meaning to tell you this story for months, but every time I think about it, I get so angry I can't type and also I'm immediately exhausted.
While my partner was undergoing cancer treament this summer, two of his friends called up and asked if they could visit. He was really excited about this, because he likes people. That's something I can't relate to, myself, but hey--different strokes.
These people are a couple. My partner has known the wife since they were five years old. He went to university with the husband. So he's known these folks for ages.
Now, one thing I didn't realize about cancer caregiving until I was a cancer caregiver is that it is exhausting. Even as a professional writer, I don't have the words to convey to you how exhausting it is. During my partner's treatment and recovery, our lives were all cancer all the time. Everything that is cancer takes the wheel. Everything else (like cooking, cleaning) still needs to be done, but it's done under duress. I was dead on my feet, making meals, cleaning the mess that cancer makes.
My partner experienced extreme fatigue (he's still experiencing it, months later) and pain. At the point when his people wanted to visit him, he was receiving daily cancer treatments at the hospital on weekdays and daily nursing care at home on weekends.
But he was excited to fit his friends into this painful schedule of sleeping, eating, nursing, cancer, cancer, cancer...
I was not excited about this. But I wasn't going to rain on his parade. Just because I'm too angry, sad, depressed, exhausted, anxious, afraid, etc, etc, to be a human anyone would possibly want to be around doesn't mean I'm going to get in my partner's way.
My partner wanted to spring into action to buy snacks for his friends (with what energy? with what time? with what money?), and we picked up what we could from the one small food store in his tiny town, but I had to convince him that, no, we would not be driving to the next town over to buy the dip they don't carry here, etc. etc. because these people are here to visit YOU. If they want a good meal, they can go to a restaurant.
I probably sound horrible already, but I think a lot of other caregivers reading this will understand. I will write a follow-up post in which I outline how a perfect guest would behave when visiting a carer and caree (from my perspective, at least).
There are a number of reasons I consider my partner's friends bad company, but this post is getting long already, so I will feature only the highlight reel:
1) When they called to ask if they could visit, they kind of hinted that they'd like to stay with us. Okay. Look. I've never even met these people. My partner receives daily nursing care, is in constant pain, and sleeps most of the day. I am exhausted from caring for him, on top of living with chronic debilitating illness myself. No you can't fucking stay in our house. This is not a hotel.
2) My partner told them he would enjoy a visit, but it would have to be short. An hour, max. His fatigue does not allow him to stay awake for stretches much longer than that. He told them 4pm would be the time he'd be able to see them.
While my partner was undergoing cancer treament this summer, two of his friends called up and asked if they could visit. He was really excited about this, because he likes people. That's something I can't relate to, myself, but hey--different strokes.
These people are a couple. My partner has known the wife since they were five years old. He went to university with the husband. So he's known these folks for ages.
Now, one thing I didn't realize about cancer caregiving until I was a cancer caregiver is that it is exhausting. Even as a professional writer, I don't have the words to convey to you how exhausting it is. During my partner's treatment and recovery, our lives were all cancer all the time. Everything that is cancer takes the wheel. Everything else (like cooking, cleaning) still needs to be done, but it's done under duress. I was dead on my feet, making meals, cleaning the mess that cancer makes.
My partner experienced extreme fatigue (he's still experiencing it, months later) and pain. At the point when his people wanted to visit him, he was receiving daily cancer treatments at the hospital on weekdays and daily nursing care at home on weekends.
But he was excited to fit his friends into this painful schedule of sleeping, eating, nursing, cancer, cancer, cancer...
I was not excited about this. But I wasn't going to rain on his parade. Just because I'm too angry, sad, depressed, exhausted, anxious, afraid, etc, etc, to be a human anyone would possibly want to be around doesn't mean I'm going to get in my partner's way.
My partner wanted to spring into action to buy snacks for his friends (with what energy? with what time? with what money?), and we picked up what we could from the one small food store in his tiny town, but I had to convince him that, no, we would not be driving to the next town over to buy the dip they don't carry here, etc. etc. because these people are here to visit YOU. If they want a good meal, they can go to a restaurant.
I probably sound horrible already, but I think a lot of other caregivers reading this will understand. I will write a follow-up post in which I outline how a perfect guest would behave when visiting a carer and caree (from my perspective, at least).
There are a number of reasons I consider my partner's friends bad company, but this post is getting long already, so I will feature only the highlight reel:
1) When they called to ask if they could visit, they kind of hinted that they'd like to stay with us. Okay. Look. I've never even met these people. My partner receives daily nursing care, is in constant pain, and sleeps most of the day. I am exhausted from caring for him, on top of living with chronic debilitating illness myself. No you can't fucking stay in our house. This is not a hotel.
2) My partner told them he would enjoy a visit, but it would have to be short. An hour, max. His fatigue does not allow him to stay awake for stretches much longer than that. He told them 4pm would be the time he'd be able to see them.
They called at NOON to say they were in town and could they come over now?
No. You can't. You were told to come at 4pm for a reason. Don't assume someone who is actively going through cancer treatment just has their days stretching out ahead of them and one time is as good as another. At noon, my partner's nurse was at our house. I was preparing his lunch, which would take him easily an hour to consume because eating caused him excruciating pain. He was hooked up to an IV. He is not the kind of person who wants to see friends while he is hooked up to an IV. Just the audacity of being told you're invited to be here at a certain time and then showing up 4 hours early... BAD COMPANY.
3) This third one really gets me, as the child of an alcoholic: these people showed up with nothing but a bottle of wine, even though my partner had informed them over the phone that he had stopped drinking alcohol. I'm amazed my brain did not explode. I was so unbelievably angry that anyone would bring alcohol to someone who explicitly expressed he was no longer drinking. And the woman of the couple even said, "Oh, I know you told me you'd stopped drinking, but you'll get around to this eventually" or something. Fuck you, lady. Bring my husband some fucking soup! Jesus Christ. I am so mad just writing about this, because... I can't believe there are people in this world who pull this kind of shit. Bring us food! Bring us casseroles! We needed food badly, at that point, and they show up for a visit with nothing but a bottle of wine for someone who quit drinking? Fuck you, you fuckers.
Luckily, I was having such a terrible pain day that I couldn't even lift my head off my pillow. I didn't have to play nice with these assholes. I opted out.
My partner enjoyed their visit and appreciated that they drove a long way to see him. I don't think he considered them bad company at all. So you're getting the caregiver's perspective, here. Although, I think a lot of my partner's friends are shitty people who don't treat him well (invite him over, then aren't home when he shows up... stuff like that) so it stands to reason they'd be bad company as well.
As I mentioned, I will write a follow-up outlining how a perfect visitor would behave. Here's a hint: not like these fuckers!
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No. You can't. You were told to come at 4pm for a reason. Don't assume someone who is actively going through cancer treatment just has their days stretching out ahead of them and one time is as good as another. At noon, my partner's nurse was at our house. I was preparing his lunch, which would take him easily an hour to consume because eating caused him excruciating pain. He was hooked up to an IV. He is not the kind of person who wants to see friends while he is hooked up to an IV. Just the audacity of being told you're invited to be here at a certain time and then showing up 4 hours early... BAD COMPANY.
3) This third one really gets me, as the child of an alcoholic: these people showed up with nothing but a bottle of wine, even though my partner had informed them over the phone that he had stopped drinking alcohol. I'm amazed my brain did not explode. I was so unbelievably angry that anyone would bring alcohol to someone who explicitly expressed he was no longer drinking. And the woman of the couple even said, "Oh, I know you told me you'd stopped drinking, but you'll get around to this eventually" or something. Fuck you, lady. Bring my husband some fucking soup! Jesus Christ. I am so mad just writing about this, because... I can't believe there are people in this world who pull this kind of shit. Bring us food! Bring us casseroles! We needed food badly, at that point, and they show up for a visit with nothing but a bottle of wine for someone who quit drinking? Fuck you, you fuckers.
Luckily, I was having such a terrible pain day that I couldn't even lift my head off my pillow. I didn't have to play nice with these assholes. I opted out.
My partner enjoyed their visit and appreciated that they drove a long way to see him. I don't think he considered them bad company at all. So you're getting the caregiver's perspective, here. Although, I think a lot of my partner's friends are shitty people who don't treat him well (invite him over, then aren't home when he shows up... stuff like that) so it stands to reason they'd be bad company as well.
As I mentioned, I will write a follow-up outlining how a perfect visitor would behave. Here's a hint: not like these fuckers!
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