#SongoftheDay Hide and Seek (Imogen Heap)

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While we were checking out my partner's new house, back when he bought it in 2021, I found a closet that seemed like it would be good to hide in. When I said so to my partner, he replied that he doubted we would be playing hide-and-seek. I told him I just like hiding sometimes and he got sad. He remembers my story of finding my mother hiding from my father in a closet when I was a child. I joined her and we hid there together for an entire afternoon. It's the only thing I remember ever doing, just the two of us, throughout my entire childhood.

It upsets my partner when I hide because he thinks I'm hiding from him. I'm not. He is not an abusive man. He is very kind and caring. 

I hide sometimes because my PTSD is triggered, and he always thinks it's his fault somehow. It's not. The last time I hid, I'd been lying on the bed watching stuff on YouTube when I realized I was hungry and cold and I hadn't moved for a while. All those feelings in my body took me back to childhood, to times when I actually was hiding in a closet out of fear--when I was hungry and cold but didn't want to move because it felt dangerous to draw attention to myself. 

Memories live inside my body. I tell my partner all the time that my trauma reactions are not his fault, but he always blames himself. 


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See you soon!
Giselle


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