#SongoftheDay Bring It On (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

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Age never meant anything to me until 40. 

To me, 40 signified not only adulthood, but an age by which you should have your shit fully together. All that grown-up stuff like family and financial security should be tied up by the time you reach 40.

When 40 popped onto the horizon, I started making sweeping changes in my life. I left a relationship I'd been in for more than a decade without knowing why. Now I realize I ended it because it wasn't going anywhere--my girlfriend already had a permanent partner, and I was really just someone on the side. Even if I was important to her (and I believe I truly was), it wasn't a situation that provided the dignity I was looking for.

I wanted to be someone's someone--for the first time in my life. 

I wanted to finally be THE ONLY ONE for somebody.  I realized that I'd been doing myself a grave injustice in allowing myself to be hidden from view in the lives of people who were important to me. I believe in poly relationships, but if someone's getting hurt then something's got to change. And if that change doesn't happen, the best thing to do is walk away.

Change came into my life like a tornado, whirling everything around.  I didn't know which components of my life would land in the next room and which would leave my life forever.

I began a relationship with a man for the first time since I was in my twenties.  Things moved fast.  There was an impulse in me to get this romance stuff sorted before I hit the big four-oh.  

Therapy.  Lots of therapy.  I have covid to thank for that, because cost is a huge barrier to access, when it comes to mental health supports.  When the pandemic swept in, my province made access to certain forms of therapy free and I took full advantage. I'm in a better place than I've ever been, as a result. And on my bad days (I still have them--oh, do I ever!), I am equipped with the tools to handle my shit.  

I know I can get through this.

When I look in the mirror, I still expect to see the 19-year-old me.  I'm still surprised by the grey hairs and wrinkles.  Every time.  

I still have work to do in every aspect of my life, but I'm proud of the steps I've taken so far.  I make writing a priority, because I find fulfillment there.  I exercise regularly because I know it's good for me.  I meditate every day because it has honestly changed my life. My partner and I work on improving our communication skills, because we want to build a strong and lasting relationship together. 

Forty isn't twenty, but it's not so bad.  There's something about this age that feels a little more solid, to me. A lot of people go in the other direction, when they have their midlife crises, looking for freedom and excitement. I've had too much freedom. Excitement reads as a lack of security, to me.

I want to see myself clearly. I want to stand on solid ground.  I'm ready for the second act of my life. 

Bring it on.


If you're wondering how you can support me in bringing you songs and visits every day, the easiest thing you can do is tell your friends about the site. Tell anyone you know--particularly people who are isolated and enjoy music.

Readers of adult fiction can also buy my books or check them out from your local library. Supporting my AudioErotica endeavour on Patreon would also help me hugely!

I'm also an Amazon Influencer, so hopefully I can make a little pocket change when you buy stuff by clicking through my affiliate links.

But you don't HAVE to do any of that. I'm very happy to get a daily visit from you, so just keep coming back.

Oh, and I also recommend hitting the "Subscribe" button at the top of the page so you won't miss a song!

See you tomorrow!
Giselle

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